Friday, May 27, 2016

The "down" side to dramatic weight loss (that no one talks about).

So far, I have lost 87 lbs. people say that I should be "proud". I've worked hard, so yes. I am proud of myself for continuing to put one foot in front of the other on this journey to reclaim myself. This relatively new way of eating (8 months down, the rest of my life to go) has been far easier than anything else that I've tried. Cutting calories left me hungry ALL OF THE TIME. I suck at routines, so any exercise routines that I've ever tried to maintain have always fallen to the wayside fairly early in the game. Replacing carbs with healthy fats though, for some reason my body really responded to that (after two weeks of"adjustment"). So I'm left feeling like it has been easy, even though I KNOW that it hasn't. The cravings are pretty much non-existent, but the fear of falling face-first into a vat of Hagen Daz is ever present. I literally have nightmares about it. Old habits die hard, and this is going to be a lifelong struggle for me in every sense of the term. But I'm supposed to be talking about the big negative of weight loss. Sorry. Ok, here we go. 

Self image. The image of yourself that you carry around with you, 24/7. Once you've been obese for so long, fat becomes part of your identity. People will tell you that your weight isn't who you are. These people are only partly correct. Although it is not ALL that you are, it is PART of who you are. "What does she look like?" "Oh, she has brown hair, big boobs, glasses. She's a big girl." Or "she's overweight". Or "she's fat", depending upon your commitment to politically correct terminology. It is part of your image. More deeply, though, it is part of your SELF image. 

Other people's image of you can change fairly easily. When someone sees you every day, a dramatic weight loss may be shocking at first but no one literally doesn't believe that you've lost the weight. They can see it with their own eyes, and they have no reason to disbelieve it. What a person who goes through a dramatic weight loss is faced with, in contrast, is a disconnect between their internal image of themselves and reality. 

In reality, I am 87 lbs lighter. In reality I have decreased my "dress" size by five sizes (or ten, depending on how you count women's dress sizes. I'm not sure). When I see a photo of myself, though, I see a stranger. My features do not look like my own. They are too...comical, almost. Exaggerated. Without the padding, my mouth looks too big. My nose, my eyes, every one of my features looks foreign to me. My breasts, although still enormous by standard measure, are no longer my breasts. They are shaped differently, and they require considerably more support, if ya know what I mean. 

Do I like my new image? I think so. More than that, I love that I can move more easily; That I don't get winded chasing after my son or taking a flight of stairs; That my knees aren't at risk of giving out on those stairs. 

What I DON'T like is the disconnect. It's disconcerting to see a photo of yourself and have to take a moment to recognize the person staring back. It's weird to see clothing on a rack and not be able to tell whether or not they will fit you because you are completely out of touch with the size of your body. 

It's worth getting to know myself again. Losing weight has been like getting a new toy, winning the lottery, and Christmas all rolled into one. But there is a lot of emotional baggage that takes the place of that physical baggage. Stuff to work through. I was obese for seven years; Overweight for nearly 20. I don't know how long it will take before my self image syncs up with reality. Maybe it won't. I guess I'll find out. 


Thursday, May 26, 2016

Opinions are like...

well, you know. But I've got a bunch. Unlike assholes. Let me be clear: I do NOT have a bunch of assholes. Just the one. Two, if you count my dog, Rupert 😂. 

So I keep hearing about how I should write a blog. I don't know that people will read it, but I guess I'll give it a go. So this is my official "yeah yeah, I'll write some stuff down for you to read" post. Question is, about what should I blog? Current events? Personal stories? Mental illness? Autism? Weight loss? All of these things are within my personal sphere right now, so I guess you'll get a bit of everything. 

So if you find yourself enjoying what you read, say so in a comment. If you hate it, also say so. I'll either tell you that you are right and that my writing is shoddy and unfit for consumption, or I'll tell you where to go (and it ain't gonna be Dairy Queen). 

Be good to one another, and for crap's sake don't vote Trump.